Thursday, December 15, 2005
The world according to Wig
Ok Ok Ok H, I know, I'm a pretty slack blogger and I apologise. Been watching too much Space Cadets. What the HELL is with that show? I reckon, as the Guardian said, that they are ALL actors and we are the ones being taken for a ride. Us and bloody Johnny Vaughan. That man has the facial expressions of a chimp.
Frank, thanks for your cannablog link although I'm a little unnerved at how you knew I would be interested in that, and whether or not you are aware of just how important this new and OUTRAGEOUS Dutch legislation is to me in the near future........ do I know you FRank? Well thanks anyway, I'm going to go email some of my fave coffee shops now in Dam and check the situation. THat article, and the others I've read on the subject, say the pilot scheme in January will be in Masstricht to stop the bloody Germans from being "weed tourists", need to check if the Amsterdammers are going to follow suit. Maybe I could con the paper into sending me over there to do an investigative piece on the situation... hmmm.... excellent idea....... Bloody Germans they ruin everything for everyone: wearing swastikas, smuggling drugs, sunbathing. Ask Prince Harry - he knows. Honestly, you can't even say something anti-semitic these days without getting harsh stares from your peers. I'm JOKING. Obviously.
Jim did you know that VJ DAVIM is whats called a spoonerism where you swap the accented consonants of a word round like in the sentence "she will leave the university by the town drain" which I think is supposed to be "down train" but that doesn't make much sense either....... anyway John Walsh, estimed Independent columnist great collleague and literary genius just told me that so it must be right. A spoonerism, one must note, must not be confused with a Malapropism which is named after a women callled Edna Malaprop who was in some show once (!) and who used to say cleverly daft things like "she was as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile" which I think is really really funny. ANyway I just like the word spoonerism and I think if you are to be VJ DAVIM the fact that you will also be a spoonerism is uncannily apt so I wanted to tell you that. Also it makes me sound clever.
NOw that I have answered the calls of my commentators - my audience, if you will - I will proceed to once again bore you with the events of the last few weeks:
1) went to see Ian Brown at the biggest gig he's ever played at the MEN arena in Manchester with best good friend and similar Roses fanatic Wilks and we both totally lost our voices and our minds at how great he was. AND, the paper ran my review of it! YOu can check it out here:
http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/music/reviews/article333131.ece
How exciting! It really was a monumental gig.
2) went ice skating and possibly to the best place in the capital I've been yet - a wicked kick ass Karaoke bar in Soho where you rent a room for two hours, get given a radio mike, a full sound system and a touch screen computer with alphabetical access to about a squillion crooners aaaaaaaaand you're off! NOte to self though: next time Karaoke is on the menu DO NOT let Carla take her video camera as there are no two things more shameful than firstly, watching, sober, oneself do a genuinely heartfelt rendition of Take That's "It only takes a minute", and secondly, watching the footage of yourself shouting frustratedly at your friends when they dare to enter the song at a non-designated point (song in question: "The Time of my Life" from Dirty Dancing - O DEAR.)
3) spent much time considering just how fast this year has gone and just how much has happened, which is mind boggling, so I have to stop after a while and turn up the volume on Holby City, which, as many of my friends will attest, is the best legal version of crack cocaine for the dulling of the senses available anywhere. Ah come on Helen, you know it is.
4) interviewed chauvanistic swinging 60s photographer David Bailey (also in the paper, http://news.independent.co.uk/people/profiles/article333338.ece) who was less interesting than I would have liked, and a hell of a lot less intruiging than his book of photos of butt-naked people, including a guy with literally an entire ironmongers shop in his scrotum and face, is covered in really badly done tattoos of Marylin Monroe, whose name is Prince Albert "John" and who is listed as "retired". Retired from what, may I ask? The circus? The civil service? The primary education sector? Goodness only knows. In fact, not even Bailey knew because I asked him. I mean, what kind of person does not ask that question when there's a dude with a ballsack 20cms in circumference and full of metal stood naked in front of you? Only one who is distracted by the enormous camera-come-penis under his control I think. Yak. Most of rest of people are beautiful skinny models and book is called "Bailey's Democracy" which is living proof that that man has, for at least the last 40 years, lived in a way way more gorgeous country than most of us. Certainly those of us from Rochdale or Hull. Not a hooped gold earing in sight. Democracy. Tsk.
5) put up £9.99 Woolies fibre optic Xmas tree and its actually very sweet! So far we have, as a house, got two Xmas cards: one from Australia, which I think it mightily impressive, and one from some of Nic's friends which is sweet but the message reads: "hope you manage to have a good Christmas" which I thought was a rather strange way to impart Yuletide greetings since I would consider getting encrusted egg off a pan and carrying three weeks worth of shopping home through Brixton's busy streets in the category of 'manageable', rather than celebrating a global festival of compassion and humanity and buying loads of stuff. Just my thoughts, anyway.......
And, once again, I have gone on too long. Must try to keep these things more regular and shorter. Off to post similarly rambling, but MUCH shorter, comments on my audience's blogs and then back to work. Got to get Les Dennis for the page as my editor had an epiphany yesterday when I asked him what he thought about Neil Sedaka and he made the "our survey says EH EH" noise off Family Fortunes and then a light descended from the polystyrene ceiling and the order came forth for me to find Les Dennis, by God, and ask him some questions. And so I shall. Until then earthlings, nanoo nanoo. K8 ;)
Frank, thanks for your cannablog link although I'm a little unnerved at how you knew I would be interested in that, and whether or not you are aware of just how important this new and OUTRAGEOUS Dutch legislation is to me in the near future........ do I know you FRank? Well thanks anyway, I'm going to go email some of my fave coffee shops now in Dam and check the situation. THat article, and the others I've read on the subject, say the pilot scheme in January will be in Masstricht to stop the bloody Germans from being "weed tourists", need to check if the Amsterdammers are going to follow suit. Maybe I could con the paper into sending me over there to do an investigative piece on the situation... hmmm.... excellent idea....... Bloody Germans they ruin everything for everyone: wearing swastikas, smuggling drugs, sunbathing. Ask Prince Harry - he knows. Honestly, you can't even say something anti-semitic these days without getting harsh stares from your peers. I'm JOKING. Obviously.
Jim did you know that VJ DAVIM is whats called a spoonerism where you swap the accented consonants of a word round like in the sentence "she will leave the university by the town drain" which I think is supposed to be "down train" but that doesn't make much sense either....... anyway John Walsh, estimed Independent columnist great collleague and literary genius just told me that so it must be right. A spoonerism, one must note, must not be confused with a Malapropism which is named after a women callled Edna Malaprop who was in some show once (!) and who used to say cleverly daft things like "she was as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile" which I think is really really funny. ANyway I just like the word spoonerism and I think if you are to be VJ DAVIM the fact that you will also be a spoonerism is uncannily apt so I wanted to tell you that. Also it makes me sound clever.
NOw that I have answered the calls of my commentators - my audience, if you will - I will proceed to once again bore you with the events of the last few weeks:
1) went to see Ian Brown at the biggest gig he's ever played at the MEN arena in Manchester with best good friend and similar Roses fanatic Wilks and we both totally lost our voices and our minds at how great he was. AND, the paper ran my review of it! YOu can check it out here:
http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/music/reviews/article333131.ece
How exciting! It really was a monumental gig.
2) went ice skating and possibly to the best place in the capital I've been yet - a wicked kick ass Karaoke bar in Soho where you rent a room for two hours, get given a radio mike, a full sound system and a touch screen computer with alphabetical access to about a squillion crooners aaaaaaaaand you're off! NOte to self though: next time Karaoke is on the menu DO NOT let Carla take her video camera as there are no two things more shameful than firstly, watching, sober, oneself do a genuinely heartfelt rendition of Take That's "It only takes a minute", and secondly, watching the footage of yourself shouting frustratedly at your friends when they dare to enter the song at a non-designated point (song in question: "The Time of my Life" from Dirty Dancing - O DEAR.)
3) spent much time considering just how fast this year has gone and just how much has happened, which is mind boggling, so I have to stop after a while and turn up the volume on Holby City, which, as many of my friends will attest, is the best legal version of crack cocaine for the dulling of the senses available anywhere. Ah come on Helen, you know it is.
4) interviewed chauvanistic swinging 60s photographer David Bailey (also in the paper, http://news.independent.co.uk/people/profiles/article333338.ece) who was less interesting than I would have liked, and a hell of a lot less intruiging than his book of photos of butt-naked people, including a guy with literally an entire ironmongers shop in his scrotum and face, is covered in really badly done tattoos of Marylin Monroe, whose name is Prince Albert "John" and who is listed as "retired". Retired from what, may I ask? The circus? The civil service? The primary education sector? Goodness only knows. In fact, not even Bailey knew because I asked him. I mean, what kind of person does not ask that question when there's a dude with a ballsack 20cms in circumference and full of metal stood naked in front of you? Only one who is distracted by the enormous camera-come-penis under his control I think. Yak. Most of rest of people are beautiful skinny models and book is called "Bailey's Democracy" which is living proof that that man has, for at least the last 40 years, lived in a way way more gorgeous country than most of us. Certainly those of us from Rochdale or Hull. Not a hooped gold earing in sight. Democracy. Tsk.
5) put up £9.99 Woolies fibre optic Xmas tree and its actually very sweet! So far we have, as a house, got two Xmas cards: one from Australia, which I think it mightily impressive, and one from some of Nic's friends which is sweet but the message reads: "hope you manage to have a good Christmas" which I thought was a rather strange way to impart Yuletide greetings since I would consider getting encrusted egg off a pan and carrying three weeks worth of shopping home through Brixton's busy streets in the category of 'manageable', rather than celebrating a global festival of compassion and humanity and buying loads of stuff. Just my thoughts, anyway.......
And, once again, I have gone on too long. Must try to keep these things more regular and shorter. Off to post similarly rambling, but MUCH shorter, comments on my audience's blogs and then back to work. Got to get Les Dennis for the page as my editor had an epiphany yesterday when I asked him what he thought about Neil Sedaka and he made the "our survey says EH EH" noise off Family Fortunes and then a light descended from the polystyrene ceiling and the order came forth for me to find Les Dennis, by God, and ask him some questions. And so I shall. Until then earthlings, nanoo nanoo. K8 ;)
